


Unnecessary group chat au

by Chingaling



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Christine wasn't prepared for any of this, Connor isn't dead btw, Evan is a pure boi, I'm really sorry if you don't ship tree bros, Im sorry for that, Jared is a Memelord, Jared would literally eat anything, but it's fun to write, chloe and Brooke might not actually show up, connor is nOT, everyone is out of character, how is Jared still alive, i wanted to write an actual fic but ya know made this instead, including a dick, just thought id mention, my phone isn't letting my change tags correctly, the bmc crew gets introduced later, this is garbage, who would've guessed, wowza its gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-04-13 21:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 14,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14121039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chingaling/pseuds/Chingaling
Summary: Some garbage group chat au that I made. Why? Who knows. This isn’t original, but I hope it’s at least kinda funny. Eh. I have too much free time so I just kinda write this in class.Heavily inspired by Reddxn because their story is beautiful and even though I’m barely in the fandom anymore I still read that every time it updates it’s so fucking funny





	1. Connor does a gay

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Group Chat AU That Nobody Asked For](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8232398) by [Reddxn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddxn/pseuds/Reddxn). 



Evan added Conner, Jared, and Zoey 

Evan: hi I felt like I should make this group chat but idk you can leave if you want idk 

Jared: bruh 

Chill

Conner: I am personally offended by that term 

Zoey changed Connors nickname to bruh 

Bruh: How dare you 

Bruh changed zoeys nickname to asshat 

Asshat: wow thanks

Jared: wait guys include me I want a nickname too 

Bruh: no 

Jared: fine be that way 

Jared changed Jared’s nickname to CoolDude69

Bruh: stop immediately 

CoolDude69: make me 

Bruh changed CoolDude69’s nickname to bathbombbitch

Bathbombbitch: IT WAS ONE TI ME JEDUD 

Evan: what does jedud even mean is that a real word 

Bruh: our lord and savior jedud Christ 

Asshat: that’s what I’m going to name my new Christian rock band 

bathbombbitch: I just came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked rn 

Bruh changed Evan’s nickname to acorn 

Bruh: now you aren’t alone 

Acorn: thanks 

Asshat: guys can I add Alana 

Acorn: ye

Bruh: how did I know you would ask that 

Ur so gay for her it physically hurts me 

Asshat: hypocrite

Bruh: how??

Asshat: don’t think I forgot about that one you were high

Bruh: zOEY 

Asshat: and you talked about Evan 

Bruh: STOP 

Asshat: for 2 hours 

Bruh: WE HAD A DEAL 

Acorn: what’s happening guys wtf 

Asshat: YEAH BUT YOU BROKE IT DIDNT YOU 

Bruh: F U C K 

Acorn: GUYS 

Bathbombbitch: oh my fucking god I’m dying 

Bruh has left the chat

Bathbombbitch: Shit zoey fucking EXPOSE HIM 

SPILL THAT TEA HUN 

Asshat: that’s the gayest thing ive ever heard you say 

Acorn: I still don’t know what’s happening zoey pls explain 

Bathbombbitch: I get gayer when I’m excited 

Asshat: I mean I don’t know if it was just the weed but,,,

Connor went on about you for like a solid 2 hours 

Acorn: about what?? Was it bad???

Asshat: pff no 

He talked about how pretty your eyes were 

And how your hair was really soft 

When did he touch your hair btw?

Bathbombbitch: holy shit 

Acorn: I don’t remember??

Asshat: Anyway I made a deal I wouldn’t tell anyone if he stopped doing drugs in the house 

But he thought I couldn’t tell the difference between a pot brownie and a normal one 

Bathbombbitch: you can???

Asshat: and I could tell the difference 

Acorn: I think I’m gonna pss out

Bathbombbitch: wtf how can you tell?? 

I accidentally ate 4 once and I didn’t even notice 

Acorn: I can confirm I was there 

Asshat: can’t u tell the difference????

Bathbombbitch: no?? Are you half German Shepherdor something??

Evan: what the heck does that have to do with it??

Bathbombbitch: bc they can smell drugs?? That’s why the police have them???

Asshat: so wait you think all German shepherds are born knowing how to sniff out drugs 

Bathbombbitch: yes?

Acorn: they’re trained by the police 

They can’t just do it 

Bathbombbitch: my life is a lie?!?!

Asshat: we’ve gotten off the point 

Evan talk to Connor he’s throwing things

Acorn: what am I supposed to say???

Bathbombbitch: “hi it’s okay that you’re gay for me bc I’m gay for you let’s make out, also Jared is the coolest” 

Asshat: basically if you take out the last part 

Bathbombbitch: rUDE

Acorn: guys it could’ve just been the weed you don’t know if he actually likes me why would he like me lol 

Bathbombbitch: are you fucking kidding me

...

Bathbombbitch removed asshat from the chat 

Bathbombbitch added Connor to the chat 

Bathbombbitch: have fun u 2

Bathbombbitch left the chat 

Acorn: uh... hi


	2. The adventures of butterboy and the Scooby doobies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are lots of scooby doo things happening

Acorn: uh... hi 

Connor: is she really razzling my dazzles rn 

Acorn: I suppose so 

Connor changed Connor’s nickname to angst 

Angst: sorry I felt weird without a nickname  
Anyway how much did she tell you 

Acorn: That you think my eyes are pretty and my hair is soft?  
But like I know it’s weird but I think that’s really nice of something?  
Haha idk sorry 

Angst: So just get to the point do you actually like me or nah 

Acorn: wowow that’s an important question  
Uhhh  
Yeah maybe 

Angst: wow  
Why 

Acorn: idk? You’re really nice and funny? And I like your hair? Idk lol 

Angst: wait I thought you were joking fuck me  
WAIT NO NOT LIKE THAT  
like just cause I’m frustrated  
Sorry 

Acorn: I’ve never seen you flustered before and I’m honestly concerned  
Anyway I was wondering if you wanted to get ice cream or something you don’t gotta I just wanted to ask idk 

Angst: yes I would like that  
Brb gotta go process what’s happening 

Angst left the chat

Acorn added Jared, Zoey and Alana to the chat 

Acorn: s h I T 

Jared: I’ve never in my entire life heard you curse before what happened to you  
You are no longer a pure angel  
Join us 

Zoey changed Jared’s name to a demon 

A demon changed Zoey’s name to Lucifer

Alana: ignore them  
What happened Evan 

Acorn: Zoey I have an important question have you ever seen Connor flustered bc it’s frightening  
And also kind of adorable 

Alana: I ship you guys so hard already 

A demon: barf  
I don’t want more of my friends in relationships 

Lucifer: omg no?? What did you do to him holy shit 

Acorn: well sUCK IT JARED WERE GOING ON A DATE 

Alana: I am going to  
Cry 

Lucifer changed Alana’s name to fangirl 

Lucifer: see now he has to be thankful I almost ruined his life  
Now he has a boyfriend 

A demon: whatever u fucktards just domt do ur relations around me 

Lucifer: “don’t do ur relations” 

Acorn: do you think I can add him back yet idk 

Lucifer: wait something just thumped again the wall I’m gonna go spy on him let’s see 

A demon: prolly rubbing his nips and thinking about Evan 

Fangirl: I will block you 

Acorn: Jared please stop 

A demon: you can’t make me 

Lucifer: holy shit guys  
I’m listening through the door I rhink he’s SQUEALING  
holy fuck I’m gonna cry 

A demon: wow I thougt he didn’t even have emotions 

Fangirl: that’s kinda mean  
... but same 

A demon added Connor to the chat

Connor: sup 

Lucifer: don’t sup me  
I know u aren’t in a sup mood rn  
I can hear you fangirl im your room  
It’s hilarious 

Connor: are you reaally fucking buttering my toast with this shit rn 

A demon: what the fuck does that mean 

Connor: oh I think you know what it means bud 

Acorn changed Connor’s name to butterboy

Butterboy: I do not appreciate the name I am not butter 

A demon: and you aren’t a boy 

Butterboy: okay first of all RUDE 

Fangirl: I can’t believe it’s not butter! 

Butterboy: I can’t stnad this abuse any longer 

Acorn: stnad 

Lucifer: ya butter watch out  
Ya butter not cry  
Ya butter not pout I’m tellin ya why  
Butterboy is coming  
To town 

Fangirl: he sees you when you’re sleeping ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

A demon: he knows when you’re awake  
He knows if you’ve been bad or good (kinky) 

Acorn: guys stop 

Butterboy: thanks ev 

A demon: I SAID JEEP YOUR RELATIONS AWAY 

butterboy: yes  
I will send them away  
In a Jeep 

A demon: cyberbullying at its finesst right there 

fangirl: I just realized we have school tomorrow ew 

A demon: Zoinks 

Acorn: was that realy zoink-worthy? Did u really need t say that n this situation? Do u think before u speak?

Butterboy: jinkies calm down 

Acorn: nOT YOU TOO 

Lucifer changed a demon’s name to Scooby snacc

Scooby snacc: wait I have an important scooby doo related question  
If Connor was in Scooby-Doo would he have scooby doobies  
Because of the weed

Fangirl: I think yes 

Lucifer: the adventures of butterboy and the scooby doobies 

Butterboy: I regret everything 

Acorn: same 

Scooby snacc: isn’t that short for scoobert doobert

Fangirl: I WHEEZED 

Lucifer changed scooby snacc’s name to scoobert doobert 

Scoobert doobert: thank you

Acorn: who told you it was short for scoobert doobert??

Scoobert doobert: I don’t remember tbh

Lucifer: scoobert doobert doobert  
Where are yoobert


	3. What would happen if you busted a nut in space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic is just a shitpost what am I doing

Scoobert doobert: does anyone else wondr what would happen if you bust a nut in space??

Butterboy: now I want to know 

Acorn: I don’t want to   
I am not interested in space dick physics 

Scoobert doobert: well I sure am 

Butterboy: I would like to know what would happen if you popped a boner in space???

Scoobert doobert: I have never agreed with u more 

Lucifer: have you ever agreed with hm in the 1st place? 

Scoobert doobert: nah 

Fangirl: get off your phones in class

Acorn: sadly I’m in science rn so I would rather be here   
Jared why are you raising your hand   
Stop   
Jared what are you doing

Lucifer: Alana just looked at her phone exasperatedly and then turned it off 

Butterboy: Why are u so concerned hes just raising a hand 

Acorn: HE JUST ASKD THE TEACHER WHT WOULD HAPPEN UF YOU BUSTED ANUT IN SPACE 

Butterboy: I now understand your concern 

Lucifer: to mr surprised guy??

Acorn: who the heck is that 

Lucifer: you know thta old one who has the constant surprised eyebrows but he never shows any actual emotions

Butterboy: okay yeah I getcha 

Acorn: mr sabra?? 

Scoobert doobert: I asked th teacher what would happen if u nutted in space and he just replied with “maybe you can find out one day, son” and kept teaching   
That 1 red hoodie dude in the back started crying 

Lucifer: okay that’s fucking hilarious   
However   
Is that guy named after the hummus or is it named after him 

Butterboy: I have a feeling it’s neither 

Acorn: he has no relation to the hummus as far as I know

Scoobert doobert changed acorn’s name to hummus 

Hummus: I don’t even like hummus 

Butterboy: well I like hummus so it’s okay 

Lucifer: you like almost all foods that counts for nothing 

Hummus: why does that matter?  
Are you gonna eat me?

Scoobert doobert: I cant bREATHE 

Hummus: I DIDNT MEAN TO DO THAT NO   
NO THSNK UOU 

Lucifer: I think he would be glad to ;)

butterboy: I JUST INHALED MY GUM AND STARTED CHOKING   
MS KESTEN JUSY KICKED NE OUT IF CLSSS   
EV WHAT THE FUCK 

Hummus: IM SORRY 

Butterboy: hah jokes on hr I befriended the janitor so I can get free excuses to skip class   
I’m gonna go get my lunch early I guess 

Scoobert doobert: have fun

Hummus: Jared what did you do

Scoobert doobert: I don’t know what you mean sir  
I’m not suspicious at all

Butterboy: Jared what the fUCK 

Scoobert doobert: SURPRISE :D

Lucifer: oh no what happened 

Butterboy: there are soo many bars of soap in my locker   
There was just a soap avalanche   
The bell is about to ring and I’ll just be violently shoving soap into my locker   
That was like an entire lush store worth of soap 

Hummus: oh dear 

Scoobert doobert: actually no that was just 3 boxes 

Butterboy: how the FUCK was that only 3 boxes 

Scoobert doobert: it was the big ones that are supposed to last for years   
Sam’s club was having a sale 

Lucifer: I stg   
What kind of soap is it?

Scoobert doobert: dial 

Hummus: do you want me to help you with your soap issue after school 

Butterboy: yes pls 

Hummus: I needed more soap anyway thanks Jared 

Scoobert doobert: Actually that soap was just for Connor so 

Lucifer: how would he need that much soap 

Scoobert doobert: to wash away his sins obviously 

Butterboy: wow thanks 

Hummus: update I helped him store the soap 

Fangirl: are you fucking joking 

Lucifer: you know that one homophobic teacher that nobody has but everyone talks about

Scoobert doobert: ew, what did he do this time 

Fangirl: he can see the straights basically fucking in the hall but he yelled and me and zo for HUGGING 

butterboy: I have a plan, brb 

Lucifer: oh no 

Scoobert doobert: I’m interested 

Fangirl: Evan control your boyfriend 

Lucifer: Evan isn’t replying to anyone   
I have a feeling I know his plan   
Oh no   
Brb gonna snoop 

Scoobert doobert: pls I need more drama in my life you go girl

Scoobert doobert changed Lucifer’s name to FBI agent 

FBI agent: SHIT GUYS I WAS RIGHT   
CONNOR JUST MADE OUT WITH EVAN IN FRONT OF MR HOMOPHOBE GUY  
POOR EVAN 

Fangirl: are you telling me their first kiss was a revenge kiss 

FBI agent: THE TEACHER RAN AWAY OH MY FUCKING GOD 

Scoobert doobert: sounds like Connor 

Butterboy: The deed has been done 

Hummus: wowowow 

FBI agent: Evan are you okay 

Hummus: why would I not be okay   
Actually nvm I forgot to pack my lunch   
I am not okay 

Scoobert doobert: just eat the school lunch?

Hummus: pretty sure it’s made from human no thanks 

Fangirl: it’s harvested from the children who fail their classes 

Hummus: idk maybe I can eat some of connors soap 

Butterboy: please do not do that   
I could just.. buy you food 

FBI agent: he isn’t a delinquent like you he doesn’t just leave school 

Butterboy: ugh I’ll brb 

Scoobert doobert: see now he’s buying Evan food and we can talk shit about him 

Butterboy: jokes on u shitstain   
I text and drive   
I’m not afraid of death 

Hummus: pls don’t 

Fangirl: you’ve broken more laws than everyone else I’ve ever known buddy

Butterboy: fine 

FBI agent: you’ve tamed the b e a s t   
He likes you more than his own sister   
I’m hurt 

Hummus: I guess?


	4. Jesus take the wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor jumps out a window and Jared sets a toaster on fire

FBI agent: GUYS WE HAVE AN ISSUE

Hummus: is everything okay?

FBI agent: Connor broke his foot I think

Scoobert doobert: wtf how

Hummus: where is he

FBI agent: he’s in the hospital rn he’s fine t he won’t stop laughing tho so I’m kinda concerned but I guess that’s a good sign  
But anyway  
I kept playing Jesus take the wheel on loop to piss him off and he threatened to jump out the wondow and I didn’t think he would  
I didn’t notice what was happening until he was already 25% UOT THE WINDOW AND I WAS GOING FAST SO IF I STOPPED HE WOULDVE FALLEN OUT ANYWAY  
So yeah he just thrusted himself out the window

Scoobert doobert: holy shit  
Did you have to use the word thrusted in there??

FBI agent: ye

Hummus: can I come see him

Fangirl: aww

FBI agent: chill my dude  
Ill tell him to get on the chat if you want

Hummus: pls do

Butterboy: hey hey guys guess what

FBI agent: did I mention he’s on a lot of meds rn

Scoobert doobert: oh boy

Butterboy: I just jumped out a window

Hummus: so we’ve heard

Butterboy: Zoe you were supposed to let me tell them  
U fuckin scallywag

Fangirl: are you even allowed to say that if you aren’t a pirate??

Scoobert doobert: that’s one of the best insults I’ve heard in a while

Butterboy: thank u

Hummus changed FBI agent’s name to scallywag

Butterboy: jesus really didn’t take the wheel and tbh it’s kinda disappointing

Fangirl: oh lord

Butterboy: exactly that’s what Mariah Carrey said

Fangirl: that’s not who...  
You know what nvm

**Scoobert doobert changed fangirls name to Mariah**

Mariah: ohh I have a fun game

Butterboy: I have no idea what it is but count me the fuck in

Mariah: I’m gonna start a sentence and you have to finish it

Scallywag: this is a bad idea but I want to see what’ll happen so shoot

Butterboy: I’m excited

Mariah: I don’t know...

Butterboy: how to do math

Scoobert doobert: wow boring  
Lemme try

Mariah: k

Scoobert doobert: Evan Hansen is...

Butterboy: t h i c c

Hummus: CONNOR

Butterboy: I speaj nothing but the truth

Scallywag: my turn  
I want to...

Butterboy: eat something salty

Mariah: ohh does Evan count

Hummus: stop

Butterboy: obvs

Hummus: STOP

Scoobert doobert: use protection boyz

Hummus: S T O P

Scallywag: we need to get weirder here guys  
Water makes me...

Butterboy: wet

Mariah: shouldve seen that one coming tbh

Scoobert doobert: I know a guy who...

Butterboy: commits identity theft

Hummus: what the fuck

Butterboy: don’t u worry ur little self  
I want to sleep now

Hummus: sweet dreams

Scoobert doobert: B A R F

Mariah: don’t you think it’s just a little cute

Scoobert doobert: no

Scallywag: not only do I think that but I also have to agree with my girlfriend

Scoobert doobert: D O U B L E B A R F

Mariah: I don’t think you understand how funny it is to me when you get all grossed out about us

Scallywag: guys shut up the doctor is coming in

Scoobert doobert: nah

Scallywag: update his foot is not broken but it’s sprained

Scoobert doobert: now him and Evan can be cripple buddies

Hummus: I don’t think that’s how it works but ok

Scoobert doobert: can people with broken bones even fuck??

Hummus: I don’t think you understand how hard I want to block you rn

Scoobert doobert: oh I think I do  
Also I kinda have a problem 

Mariah: oh god

Scoobert doobert: my toaster is on fire

Hummus: Jared h o w

Scallywag: oh my fucking god

Mariah: what did you do

Scoobert doobert: I put Doritos in my toaster now it’s on fire

Scallywag: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT DORITOS IN YOUR TOASTER

Butterboy: what’s up fuckers

Scoobert doobert: I WANTED TO SEE WHAT THEYRE LIKE TOASTED??

Butterboy: what the hecky hoo is happening here famalam

Hummus: pls don’t say that ever again  
Also HOW DID YOU PLAN ON GETTING THEM OUT OF THE TOASTER? WHY DID YOU THINK TOASTED DORITOS WOULD TASTE GOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE?? ARE YOU ON ACID???

Mariah: Jared put Doritos in his toaster and it set on fire

Scoobert doobert: IT WAS A SPLIT SECOND DECISION OKAY LET ME LIVE MY LIFE

Scallywag: what flavor

Scoobert doobert: cool ranch

Scallywag: nice

**Hummus left the chat**

Butterboy: wait no com bcak  
I don’t knwo how to add hm back  
Zoe help

**Scallywag added Evan to the chat**

Evan: I don’t know how I’m still friends with you Jared

Scoobert doobert: it it makes u feel better the toaster fire is out

Evan: it doesn’t

Scoobert doobert: wow ur no fun

**Scoobert doobert changed Evans name to party pooper**

Party pooper: wow thanks

Scallywag: woah you’re in a shitty mood today

Party pooper: I’m sorry?

Butterboy: it’s okay gays leave him alone

Mariah: gays

Scoobert doobert: I know it was a typo but to be fair we’re all pretty gay

Scallywag: ok true

Butterboy: I’m gonna go to the park who’s coming

Party pooper: I will

Mariah: duh we knew that

Scallywag: I have a feeling I should go too I’ll be there in a while  
You 2 go ahead

Butterboy: k

Scoobert doobert: kkk

Mariah: that isn’t necessary bud

Scoobert doobert: you are correct

Scallywag: Connor is officially a disaster

Mariah: how so

Scallywag: he’s standing with 1 foot on each swing at the park and somehow he’s swinging without falling off??  
Evan is crying

Scoobert doobert: oh lord  
WITH a boot on his foot?

Scallywag sent a picture

Scallywag: does that answer your question

Mariah: tag yourself I’m Evan crying on the ground

Scoobert doobert: I’m the damaged swing set

Scallywag: he fell  
He just noticed Evan was crying now he’s crying and I’m just watching and laughing

Scoobert doobert: what the fuck

Scallywag: they’re so coupley ew I don’t know how to handle this  
Imma leave

Scoobert doobert: now you get it huh

Scallywag: in the wise words of Jared Kleinman  
Barf

 

 


	5. Spider stds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MICHAEL MAKES AN ENTRANCE   
> Also Connor and Evan did the do

Scoobert doobert: EVAN FUCKING HANSEN

Party pooper: what

Scallywag: oh boy

Scoobert doobert: DID I SPOT A HICKEY ON U?????

Party pooper: uh wdym no

Butterboy: yes

Party pooper: nO

Scoobert doobert: F U C C   
ZOE U HO  
PAY UP

Mariah: HAH

Butterboy: what’s happening

Scallywag: we made a bet about how long it would take for y’all to fuck

Party pooper: that almost makes me as upset as the fact that you used the word y’all unironically

Scoobert doobert: important question; who tops

Party pooper: J A R E D

Scallywag: do u even have to ask  
It’s kinda obvious

Scoobert doobert: you have a point

**Scoobert doobert changed party poopers name to bottom**

Bottom: JARED I WILL LEAVE

Butterboy: guys guys   
Change of subject

Bottom: tysm

Butterboy: I’m adding a new person to The Squad(tm)

Mariah: uh,, who tho

Scallywag: no normies allowed

Butterboy: it’s okay guys he’s gay he’ll fit right in

Scoobert doobert: oh then go ahead

**Butterboy added Michael to the chat**

Michael: what’s up my dudes

Mariah: ew

Michael: okay first of all rude

Bottom: that’s better

Scoobert doobert: well I need to make sure you’re worthy   
I N I T I A T I O N

Scallywag: tell us 3 facts about yourself

Michael: uhh alright   
1\. The Gay  
2\. Uhhhh weed?  
3\. I really like old video games

Mariah: yes that will do

Scoobert doobert: ONE OF US   
ONE OF US

scallywag: ONE OF US

Butterboy: ONE OF US

Bottom: ONE OF US

Scoobert doobert: O N E O F U S

Mariah: ONE OF US

Scoobert doobert: ØŃĘ ÖF ÛŚ

Michael: what the fuck

Bottom: I’m sorry I have no idea

Scallywag: you can’t leave now the initiation is completed

**Butterboy changed michaels name to The Gay**

The Gay: it fits well   
I don’t want to know why you were named butterboy at this point

Butterboy: no you do not

Scallywag: Connor just walked up to the teacher and grabbed his paper and left and the teacher was all joking and went “aren’t you going to say hello?” And Connor just looked him dead in the eyes and said “I’m not here to fuck spiders” and then he got kicked out

The Gay: BIG MOOD

Scoobert doobert: that’s how Spider-Man REALLY got his powers   
Spider stds

scallywag: LMAO

**Scallywag changed butterboy’s name to spiderdick**

Spiderdick: i somehow hate this more than butterboy

Mariah: Evan how do u feel tastin that good ol spider dick

Bottom: I’m just gonna turn my phone off k bye

Scoobert doobert: wow ur so fucking salty man

Bottom: sorry

Scallywag: what the fuck   
I just heard screeching from above

Scoobert doobert: the title of my new autobiography; Screeching From Above

The Gay: was that on the roof??

Spiderdick: oops that was me   
I almost fell off   
And I dropped my fucking notebook off the roof so that’s shitty

The Gay: it landed outside my classroom window hah

Spiderdick: MICHAEL DO NOT

Scallywag: MICHAEL DO

Bottom: he just tried to punch the window, didn’t break it at all, then proceeded to start screaming

The Gay: O U C H

Mariah: why am I friends with any of you

Scallywag: um,, excuse you

Mariah: besides you duh you don’t count

Bottom: why did we BOTH get kicked out of class? I didn’t do anything??

Spiderdick: it’s okay now you can come join me on the roof

Bottom: what if they call my mom tho

Scoobert doobert: oh my god they fucking won’t

The Gay: hah I found ur notebook I’m looking at it

Spiderdick: ugh shit

The Gay: ew just drawings   
BOORING

scoobert doobert: but what kind of drawings? They saucy?

The Gay: just a lot of Evan   
That’s so sweet   
Also some depressing emo shit   
But mostly Evan

Scoobert doobert: O M E G A B A R F

 


	6. Jard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t let Zoe consume any alcohol. Bad things happen.

Mariah: I’m warning you guys rn Zoe is very drunk

Spiderdick: hah 

Scallywag: not evn that much??

Michael: I can confirm, was there before she left 

Scallywag: I didn’t eveen WANNA go   
I just know Evan was comin over and I didnnt wanna hear then 

Bottom: hear us what 

Spiderdick: oh my god Zoe I swear 

Scallywag: I didn’t wanna hear him bringin you down t flavortown   
If ya knw what I meam 

Scoobert doobert: FLAVORTOWN IM CRYING 

Mariah: are you fucking guy fieri now??

Scallywag: I’m not an guy tho?? 

Scoobert doobert: yeah Alana you should know ;)

Scallywag: OMG SHUT UR MOUTH JARD

The Gay: JARD IM FUCKING DEAD 

Bottom changed scoobert doobert’s name to jard 

Jard: you sound like a child who’s mother let them roam free in a fucking theme park 

Spiderdick: what kind of garbage analogy is that 

Scallywag: that just rimended me of harambe :(

Spiderdick: tbh i don’t blame him I would attempt to murder a child at any opportunity 

Bottom: sometimes I question why I love you 

Spiderdick: awww you love me?

Bottom: NO   
I MEAN YES   
IM SORRY

Jard: I gagged   
just now 

Mariah: I think it’s adorable 

The Gay: you’re making me feel lonely can I add my boyfriend 

Scallywag: you know wha why the hecc not 

The Gay added Jeremy to the chat 

Jeremy: ah so this is the chat I’ve heard so much about 

Jard: how much have you heard 

Jeremy: 1. The time Jared ate a bathbomb and had to stay home from school for weeks bc he got sick   
2\. When Jared set his toaster on fire with Doritos   
3\. When Connor almost broke his foot jumping out of a car   
4\. When you all started chanting “ONE OF US” after Michael got added 

Spiderdick: so mostly just Jared being a fucktard 

Jeremy: yea

Bottom: oh yeahhhh  
That... happened 

Mariah: let’s do the question thing again that was fun   
Jeremy what are 3 facts about u 

Jeremy: shit uh,, I’m bi, i fucking hate this school, i... like dolphins?

Scallywag: hah dolphins r so cool   
I can mkae the noise 

The Gay: what noise 

Scallywag: you know   
The dolphin nois  
EeEEeEEeEeEeEe

Jard: okay what the FUCK 

Mariah: yeah imagine how I feel   
Handling her in REAL life 

The Gay changed Jeremy’s name to dolphin boy 

Dolphin boy: wow creative name 

The Gay: uh sorry I didn’t want you to feel left out??

Mariah: Zoe is watching a video of a dog eating popcorn and crying 

Scallywag: shhh you didnt gotta tell then

Spiderdick: yeah I remember once when she was like 4 she watched popcorn pop in the microwave and it was too loud and she cried

Bottom: so basically anything that has to do with popcorn makes Zoe cry 

Jard: noted for future use


	7. Jared x food poisoning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan traumatize Zoe and Jared gets food poisoning an unnecessary amount of times

Scallywag: SOMEBPDY FUCKING HELP ME   
EVAN AND CONNOR ARE FUCKING AND ITS SO LOUD   
I CANT GO TO LANAS SHES VISITING HER GRANDMA   
HELP M E

jard: HAH   
Normally I would help but there’s no way I’m going to your house when that’s happening

Scallywag: SJDHHHHH MY HEADPHOENS ARENT HELPING

Dolphin boy: oof   
Glad I don’t have a sister to terrorize

The Gay: same

**scallywag changed Mariah’s name to HELP**

HELP: IM SORRY

Scallywag:...  
You know what

Jard: oh no   
Not the ominous “...”

Scallywag: I have an audio recorder in my closet   
Blackmail on my brother? Yes please

The Gay: OH SHIT ZOE

Dolphin Boy: he literally gasped when he read that

Jard: as much as I support that idea   
never fucking play that for me ever

Spiderdick: okay fuck you

Scallywag: fuck you too??

Spiderdick: if it really bothers you that much we can do it MORE   
I would be glad to

Jard: poor Evan

Bottom: false   
I would be fine with that development

The Gay: wow   
Zoe were we right with the nickname tho?

Scallywag: wtf does that mean

Dolphin boy: who tops

Scallywag: oh my GOD  
Fuckinf   
I mean I’m just waiting for an excuse to send the audio

Bottom: what audio

Spiderdick: whoops

Jard: she recorded you for payback   
Merry Christmas

HELP: Jared it’s spring

Spiderdick: Guys he just passed out   
Somebody help   
What do I do   
Do I call 911??

The Gay: chillax it’ll be fine

Scallywag: wtf how did he not show any emotion that time Jared literally drank windex and got food poisoning   
But Evan passes out ONE TIME and I heard frantic running down the stairs and then screeching in the distance

Jard: screeching in the distance is the sequel to screeching from above

Dolphin boy: wait what? Why the fuck did you drink windex??

Jard: it seemed like a good idea at the time

Bottom: I woke up and I have several questions   
1\. Where is Connor   
2\. Where is the screaming coming from and why   
3\. WHY DID YOU RECORD THAT??

Spiderdick: oh shit crisis averted   
That was me I was screaming

HELP: can somebody please compile all of the ways Jared has gotten food poisoning

Jard: gladly:  
1\. eating bath bombs   
2\. Drinking windex  
3\. Drinking perfume   
4\. Consuming 3 tubes of chapstick  
5\. Bath bombs again  
6\. Eating uncooked chicken   
7\. Drinking uncooked egg fluids   
8\. I know it’s not good poisoning but I feel like I should include the time I snorted baking soda

The Gay: how the fuck are you still alive

Bottom: I remember when he ate the chicken  
I was at his house and there was frozen chicken in the freezer but his mom won’t let him use the oven anymore so he just took a huge bite out of completely solid frozen chicken breast

Scallywag: Jared I am afraid of you

Jard: the feeling is mutual   
I am not only afraid of you but I am afraid of myself as well

Dolphin Boy: hey quick question   
Why the FUCK would you drink an egg?

Jard: It was a dare

Bottom: no?? We told you NOT to do it??

Jard: I dared myself   
I’ll never back down

Spiderdick: wow I don’t even have to kill you you’ll do it yourself

Jard: yeah

 


	8. Phones and fern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is salted and everyone has a bonding session about kids cartoons

Dolphin boy: okay is Evan literally a superhero or?? 

Jard: pls elaborate   
But no 

Dolphin boy: Connor and Michael almost got in a fistfight (about ketchup.?) and Evan just   
Picked Connor up and carried him away??  
Like I would’ve done the same thing but I have the strength of a potato chip and Michael would crush me but 

Bottom: I did a lot of exercise over the summer I don’t think u understand   
I mean i was struggling but I can do it 

Scallywag: what flavor potato chip are you 

Spiderdick: you were wearing a cast tho??

Bottom: can we not rn 

Dolphin boy: probably just like... sour cream and onion or something stupid like that 

The Gay: no you’d be salty 

HELP: that’s not a flavor...

Jard: “hey Michael what flavor of chip are you eating”   
“Fuckin salty dude” 

The Gay: then wtf do you call the salty ones?

Bottom: those are just the classic flavor?

The Gay: starting a petition to rename them salty 

The Gay changed dolphin boy’s name to salted 

Jard: signed   
Also earlier I heard some dudes fucking in the shady bathroom   
Which one of you fuckers was it 

Salted: actually no I think that was rich and Jake 

Scallywag: isn’t rich the guy who set somebody’s house on fire??

Spiderdick: and wasn’t Jake the guy who’s house he set on fire???

The Gay: yes and yes   
They’re dating now 

HELP: Zo if I set your house on fire would you still date me 

Scallywag: you almost did once 

Bottom: what? 

HELP: oh yeah true   
let’s not talk about it 

Scallywag: I just made Jared recite the names of all the teletubbies (don’t ask) and he said one was called dipshit 

Jard: is it not???

Spiderdick: it’s dipsy you uncultured fuck 

Bottom: it’s a children’s show? Of course not??

Salted: Connor why are u so mad about the teletubbies 

Scallywag: when we were little the teletubbies was the SHIT 

Bottom: I really liked ninja turtles 

Salted: when I was little I was like,, obsessed with phineas and ferb

HELP: yup I still like that show   
Also my phone autocorrected it to phones and fern so wow 

The Gay changed HELP’s name to fern 

Jard: as much as I appreciate that youre all bonding can you shut the fuck up please and thank you 

Spiderdick: fuck you how about that 

Jard: Evan tell your boyfriend to stop being mean to me 

Bottom: DONT GET ME INVOLVED


	9. Weston west

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael shoplifts a fish and aperently horse gymnastics is a thing?

Bottom: Connor just spilled boiling water on his foot and then just looked down and started laughing 

Scallywag: yeah I remember once when he was like 13 I slammed him through a wall and he wasn’t even like, phased by it 

Spiderdick: yeah okay maybe I laughed but at least I didn’t SCREAM  
Unlike some people 

Salted: Okay but like how did you slam your OLDER BROTHER through a wall when you were 13

Bottom: what were you expecting me to do??

Spiderdick: idk maybe handle the situation calmly and not scream at the top of your lungs 

Scallywag: don’t question my strength okay 

Jard: added to the list of reasons I am afraid of you 

Jard changed spiderdick’s name to masochist 

Masochist: I would be upset if it wasn’t true 

The Gay: guys guy important question 

Fern: I will most likely know 

The Gay: what would happen id you like,, STOOD UP on a horses 

Bottom: “a horses”

Fern: I guess that would be like, a less extreme version of vaulting 

Salted: Michael how high are you 

The Gay: too much 

Masochist: okay but what the fuck is vaulting 

Fern: it’s like, you gotta do gymnastics on a horse 

Scallywag: you’re fucking kidding right?

Fern sent a picture to the chat

Jard: what the shit   
Just imagine Michael doing that tho I mean 

Salted: um beep beep emergency 

Bottom: oh no 

Salted: Michael just came to my house and he has a goldfish in a cup and he won’t stop crying I have no idea what’s happening   
Okay I think he’s gonna explain in the chat hold on 

Masochist: what kind of situation could’ve let to a goldfish in a cup and also crying 

The Gay: so I wnet to petco cause I wanted to pet the cats   
And then I saw this fish? And it looked so lonely and I couldn just leave it there   
And then I tried to buy it but you gotta be 18 to buy fish apperently   
And so I stole him   
And I don’t know how to feel about it 

Scallywag: IM FUCKING DEAD 

Fern: okay but how did the employees not notice a high underaged boy stealing a fish 

Bottom: oh my god 

Masochist: hold up Michael I got u  
I have a fishbowl in my closet somewhere 

Jard: okay but why 

Masochist: doesn’t matter 

The Gay: guysss What should I name it 

Salted: Michael it’s our child 

The Gay: I’m a mother??

Scallywag: name it peter 

Bottom: don’t give ur fish a human name 

Jard: name it like Kanye West named his baby but instead of north west just name it west west 

The Gay: YOURE A GENIUS

Jard: I’m finally appreciated 

Salted: let’s name it Weston west 

The Gay: perfect   
I love him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys look up equestrian vaulting. It’s a real thing.


	10. Wow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine joins the fun and jared... is Jared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tries to make an excuse to add Christine and fails*

Jard: just learned we’re testing next week? Shit??

Salted: what tests???

The Gay: jerm   
The big ones   
The big tests 

Salted: oh no

Jard: OH NO X2  
I NEED SOMEONE TO BE AN ENGLISH TUTOR PLS   
ALANA 

Fern: no 

Scallywag: hah

Jard: n o p l w a s 

Masochist: plwas 

The Gay: maybe Christine could help she might not hate you 

Jard: who the fuck is that 

Salted: do you want me to add her

Jard: ye

Bottom: what’s the magic word

Jard: please???

The Gay: wrong   
Plwas

Scallywag changed The Gay’s name to plwas

Salted added Christine 

Christine: hello! 

Masochist: ew u seem happy 

Bottom: Connor it’s ok 

Jard: happiness not allowed in this chat 

Scallywag: she will be b a n i s h e d

Christine: Wow I’m confused but ok

Salted: she has enough excitement for the rest of us soulless empty shells of humans 

Masochist: nobody has enough excitement for me 

Scallywag: mhm okay 

Masochist: it was only a few times okay fucker most of the time I’m dead inside 

Christine: wow

Plwas: is that ur catchphrase 

Salted changed Christine’s name to wow 

Wow: also I would like to say that I don’t know who most of you are  
Only jer and Michael 

Jard: allow me to be your tour guide   
I am the INSANELY COOL Jared Kleinman 

Scallywag: ew

Jard: Masochist is Connor. You know, the one who looks like a hot topic store puked on him 

Masochist: fuck off

Wow: wow 

Jard: scallywag is Zoe, who kinda looks like Connor but less emo hotter and with boobs 

Fern: step off u shit 

Jard: do not fear me stealing ur girl I am definitely gay 

Wow: I just realized how many gay people I know it’s sorta strange 

Jard: indeed   
So fern is Alana, I’m sure u know her, she knows everybody 

Wow: oh hi 

Fern: hello 

Jard: last but not least   
Bottom is Evan, the shy one who helped Connor make the homophobic teacher quit 

Masochist: guilty 

Jard: Zoe also heard them fuck once, thus the name 

Bottom: yOU DIDNT HAVE TO BRING THAT UP   
she didn’t know  
We could’ve kept it that way 

Jard: that concludes the tour, welcome aboard


	11. Patricia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does Jared do the things that he does on a daily basis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun story I met a kid named Wesley and lost my shit bc I remembered Weston west the stolen fish

Jard: guys emergency pls help

Scallywag: I swear to god if it has anything to do with a fucking toaster

Wow: what does that mean??

Bottom: it’s not important

Salted: What did you do Jared

Jard: I filled up a blow up sex doll with helium and it flew up and got stuck on my ceiling and my mom will be home soon

Wow: wait what

Masochist: just climb on a chair or something u dumb fuck

Fern: I can’t stop laughing somebody help

Jard: I’m like 2 feet tall that’s not gonna help

Scallywag: Jared why

Fern: I think Connor is the tallest person in this chat but I know nobody can convince him to help Jared for any reason

The Gay: Jeremy go help him   
U have abnormally long legs

Salted: I finally have a purpose

The Gay: important question!!   
What did u name it

Jard: idk everyone help me name it

Fern: oh yeah how’s Weston doing

The Gay: Weston is thriving

Bottom: Benjamin

The Gay: that’s a men’s name it is a she

Wow: Benjalina

Masochist: idk why I immediately went to vines but how about PATRICIA   
You gotta yell it every time   
Every time

Jard: the deed has been done   
Patricia it is

Salted: I got Patricia down

The Gay: I’m proud of u

Scallywag: you should release her into the wild soon

Fern: I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate captivity

Jard: everyone meet me at the park at 2am tonight we’ll set Patricia free

Wow: I’m still extremely confused as to why anything that’s happening is happening but I’m down

Bottom: I mean,, I guess so?

Masochist: I have to come now too

The Gay: sign me the fuck up

Salted: I rescued her so I feel obligated to go

Fern: bruhhh we have school tomorrow   
But...  
I’m going

Scallywag: there is no need to persuade me fam

The Gay: I’m filming her release and putting it on YouTube   
Nobody can stop me

Jard: wasn’t planning on it go ahead buddy


	12. Space nuts 2; the revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael gets a PhD in nut science and we learn more about how many things Jared is willing to eat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually researched this be proud of me

The Gay: does anybody else remember when Jared asked the teacher what would happen if you busted a nut in space 

Jard: fuck I forgot you were even in that class

The Gay: so I’ve been doing some research

Fern changed The Gay’s name to nut scientist

nut scientist: 1. It would be very hard to get a boner in space because of blood pressure being all crazy without gravity

Wow: wait I didn’t hear about this wtf Jared 

nut scientist: 2. Whichever direction you nut (assuming that you don’t die bc you’re in fucking space) it would continue to go that direction until it smacked into a planet or whatever the hell

Salted: Michael please can I use this for the science fair it would be beautiful 

Nut scientist: yes please do   
3\. If (theoretically) you nutted REALLY FUCKING HARD... it could push you backwards 

Masochist: important question   
If you nutted really fucking hard downwards   
could u nut so hard you flew away because of the no gravity or whatever 

Bottom: Connor why 

Nut scientist: well fuck I hope so 

Fern: I’m honestly so shook right now 

Scallywag: she is QUAKING 

Bottom: I would like to inform everyone that Connor just saw a rainbow out the window n whispered “yasss” under his breath

Masochist: can’t help it I’m gay   
Just instinct 

Scallywag: I feel like you’re the kind of person to be like “YASS QUEEN” while you literally choke someone to death 

Salted: Okay mood 

Wow: I will say yass at any opportunity 

Jard: I would shout “yass queen” AS I’m being choked to death tbh 

nut scientist: kinky 

Fern: when you die from being choked as a kink it’s called auto-erotic asphyxiation   
Fun fact

Scallywag: Okay I love you but what the fuck 

Bottom: also I’m looking through my old videos bc this class is boring and I just found one of Jared filling a shot glass with mustard and downing the whole thing 

Jard: I don’t remember that but I believe you 

Bottom sent a video 

Scallywag: yeah that’s Jared 

Masochist: I mean I’m not a picky eater but I won’t go that fucking far Jesus Christ 

Wow: I can’t even eat mustard Jared why 

Salted: once Michael didn’t have any food in his house and he was like “hold on” and he just pulled a fucking bottle of ketchup out of his drawer 

Nut scientist: it’s in case of emergencies 

Masochist: ketchup is fucking disgusting and anyone here can fight me on that 

Scallywag: I think this is the only situation I can say this but   
I agree with Connor 

Fern: oh fuck off zoe you only eat like 3 foods 

Scallywag: U right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case ur wondering, Patricia is free. May she float into a happier place


	13. Hush now, Jeremiah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t written one of these in so long my brain just spit out some garbage and I put it all in here, yw

Scallywag: our parents are forcing us to go skiing someone help ive been in this car for an hour already 

Masochist: I’m making tally marks on my pants counting how many times I’ve wanted to murder Larry or myself

Nut scientist: how many do you have so far 

Masochist: just a sec lemme count 

Wow: who’s Larry.?

Bottom: like the worst dad ever is who 

Masochist: it’s 68 

Jard: ah so close 

Fern: ? 

Jard: 69 

Salted: I should not have laughed at that 

Masochist: aaand now we’re at 69  
Congrats 

Wow: aren’t your pants ruined??

Scallywag: don’t worry they are 

Masochist: yeah mom already noticed and yelled at me   
I just looked her in the eye and added another tally  
I’ll send you guys a picture once I’m done 

Jard: also Connor you TOTALLY left your pants at Evans house   
I was snooping around in his drawers and was like “hey what the fuck you dont wear black jeans” and then he tried them on and it looked ridiculous 

Bottom: they went up to my belly button and still somehow went past my feet  
Also I couldn’t breathe that is TIGHT

nut scientists: hah 

Salted: Michael do not 

Wow: tbh I just want to see them swap clothes for a day 

Fern: we all know Connor couldn’t survive that   
Evan in a hoodie that’s too big and skinny jeans is an actual disaster   
He would thirst so hard it would be frustrating for the rest of us 

Masochist: Shut your fuck up 

Bottom: I just choked and then started laughing and was choking and laughing at the same time and it wasn’t a good situation 

Fern: TELL ME IM WRONG 

Masochist: as mad as I am   
U right 

Bottom: connor nO

Salted: all of you are coming to my house soon and that is happening no one can stop it 

Masochist: on another note why the fuck do I have a picture of pete wentz in my phone 

Scallywag: nobody else knows ur emo bullshit music Connor 

Bottom: I do? 

Wow: did he force you to listen to his music? I’m so sorry 

Bottom: no I love fall out boy fight me   
Sorry 

Nut scientist: ?? Wtf ?? 

Jared: you can’t say sorry after saying fight me it take away the affect 

Salted: every day I become less and less sure that they haven’t been dating for years and hiding it from the world  
It’s so weird 

Fern: just because you didn’t tell anyone you were dating Michael for 2 years doesn’t mean everyone does that 

Scallywag: hold up,, 2 years???

Jard: I feel so alone 

Wow: it’s okay I’m lonely too 

Salted: Christine I thought you said you were aro

Wow: hush now Jeremiah I am trying to comfort someone 

Masochist: I laughed a little too much at “hush now Jeremiah”

Bottom changed salted’s name to Jeremiah 

Masochist sent a picture 

Nut scientist: that’s a lot of pants   
No wait fuck 

Fern: “that’s a lot of pants”,, same?

Nut scientist: I meant tally marks shit 

Masochist: i can’t count them anymore it covers both of my thighs hahah

Bottom: I could feel the pain behind that hahah


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Condom Murphy, the almighty   
> Along with Jard Klemmen   
> And Eevan Hansnen

Bottom: so I went to see Connor since Zoe was out and I went into his room and he’s just  
He has condoms on his fingers   
And he’s laughing REALLY hard   
And he’s laying on the floor   
He doesn’t know I’m here yet

Jard: yeah but the real question was why when Zoe was out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bottom sent a picture 

Bottom: he noticed me and started waving his condoms at me and going “eEeEvAnnn” 

Nut scientist: relatable 

Scallywag changed masochists name to condom 

Bottom: Jared normally I would ignore your question but   
Does no one remember when we didn’t know Zoe was there and she audio recorded the whole thing as revenge 

Masochist: haha yeah then you passed out 

Scallywag: I still have that recording, don’t fuck with me 

Salted: guys guys guys   
I messed up   
I dun fucked up   
Please help 

Nut scientist: please explain before I panic 

Salted: I climbed the roof and there was another kid on the roof and he got scared and slid off of the roof

Wow: oh gosh

Fern: you should probably go see if he’s okay 

Salted: that’s the problem  
I am stuck on the roof

Jard: try yelling 

Salted: yeah no 

Bottom: what do they look like 

Salted: oh my god   
OH MY GOD

Condom: lol are they dead 

Salted: ITS RICH 

Nut scientist: yeah I think you should try yelling 

Salted: I yelled at him and he just gave me a thumbs up and scooted away 

Wow: wdym by scooted 

Salted: there was a scooter down there forgot to mention 

Scallywag: someone add him I need to know the full story 

Nut scientist added rich

Rich: hewwo?

Fern: why 

Jard: OWO WHATS THIS 

Condom: why x2

Scallywag: can you explain what just happened with the roof and such please

Rich: alright so I wanted to see what would happen if I scootered off of a roof   
Not bc I wanted to die or anything just didn’t wanna get injured   
And then Jeremy came up there and I dropped it off and then I just kinda slid off too

Wow: are you hurt tho?

Rich: not sure but it’s fine lmao

Salted: lol mooooood  
Anyway somebody wanna get me off this fuckin wall   
*roof  
Idk how I messed up that bad am afraid of heights 

Nut scientist: to the rescue!!


	15. BEES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bees in Evans house and some zoo adventures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote most of this chapter on the way back from the zoo

Wow: a conversation I heard Connor have with someone in Geography: “is that gum?”  
“Yes”  
“Can I have some?”  
“No”  
“Why not?”  
“I poisoned it”  
“Why would you do that?”  
“So I could commit suicide and my breath would stay minty fresh” 

condom: oh yeah that guy is annoying as shit I don’t blame me

Rich: “I don’t blame me”

Condom: also Christine you sit like, across the whole room. How did you hear that?

Wow: I am always listening 

Jard: I could use someone like you

Bottom: what is that supposed to mean?

Scallywag: it means Jared is a drama whore and he’s trying to recruit Christine into whatever the fuck his little drama squad is called

Jard: correct 

Salted: rich I feel weird about you not having a nickname 

Nut scientist changed Rich’s name to scooter 

Scooter: I feel like it fits 

Wow: it does 

Bottom: guys!!!!!! 

Jard: oh boy 

Bottom: THERE ARE!! BEES!! IN!!! MY HOUSE!!!!

Fern: I thought you loved bees we talked about bees for like an hour once 

Bottom: I DONT LIKE THEM IN MY HOUSE??

Condom: I’m coming over for moral support but I am not killing the bees  
No thank u 

Jard: do you need me to exterminate the bees 

Nut scientist: please do not eat them 

Jard: IT WAS ONE TIME 

Wow: lmao uh what 

Salted: once Jared was with us rich and Jake and there was a spider and I started crying and he just fuckin ate it 

Jard: It wasn’t poisonous so who cares 

Scooter: there was no way you knew that at the time tho you were drunk off your ass the whole night

Bottom: I won’t let jared eat the bees

Wow: Jared does NOT need alcohol he barely has a filter anyway

Scallywag: Connor I’m really surprised you’re even entering a house with bees in it  
I thought u were like,, super afraid of bees 

Nut scientist: ah the things u do for love 

Condom: shut the fuck 

Bottom: oh yeah I forgot to tell u about the zoo

Scooter: we can all tell zoo stories those are fun 

Condom: hah oh yeah  
I took Evan to the zoo and a bird tried to steal my man 

Bottom: a bird tried to mate with my hand 

Jard: when a bird gets more ass than me;(

Fern: that’s low key sad actually  
Jared u need a boyfriend soon 

Jard: I think if that was happening it would’ve happened already lmao 

Scooter: a giraffe tried to eat my fuckin hair once 

Wow: wow

Scallywag: when we were little a sea lion took one of my dads sandals 

Condom: he deserved it tho 

Salted: I know it’s technically an aquarium but once a shark started speeding right at me and I almost pissed myself but then it jut rammed its fucking head into the glass lmao 

Nut scientist: oh yeah I was there  
I screamed he fell down 

Wow: I got all of the flamingoes to follow me along the fence and they all starting making really loud honking sounds when Chloe tried to get me to leave 

Condom: Ev is like some weird ass animal whisperer  
He would mimic the animals and have little conversations with them  
It was low key adorable 

Bottom: eh  
Also one of the goats (why were there goats in the zoo? I think we accidentally entered the petting zoo section, dunno, anyway) screamed at Connor and he screamed back at it and one of the employees kept glaring at him until I made him leave 

Jard: unrelated but I finally got to Evans house and there’s just... one bee. Only one. They’re both just huddled in a corner. Hiding. From one bee.

Bottom: iTS GONNA STING ME

Jard: that didn’t really require backing yourself into the farthest possible corner and curling into a ball.

Condom: at least you got here after I climbed out of the fridge 

Salted: after you what now 

Bottom: he hid in the fridge 

Scallywag: once when he was like 15 he got in an argument with dad and they looked all over the neighborhood for him but he was just hiding in one of the cupboards 

Condom: I was planning on coming out once I calmed down but then it was too funny listening to them trying to find me 

Scallywag: YOU WERE IN THERE FOR 3 DAYS

Condom: there was peanut butter and saltine crackers I was fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao I had to edit this bc I forgot to continue with some of the nicknames 
> 
> I am the queen of inconsistency 
> 
> Bow down to me


	16. Squeeze that cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael is high again and Evans mom has some questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact; the cheese thing was based off of an actual conversation I had with my friends at lunch 
> 
> We were talking about that idea and I just yelled “SQUEEZE THE CHEESE” 
> 
> I’m sure everyone else was confused about why there was just a gaggle of children chanting “SQUEEZE THAT CHEESE” at the top of their lungs

Bottom: SOMEONE DO SOMEHING STUPID I NEED DISTRACTION FROM L IFE

Fern: what did Jared do 

Jard: I am innocent???

Condom: Evans mom found condoms in his trash lmaooo

Scooter: the name fits

Bottom: OH NO BUT THATS NOT ALL   
SHE ASKED IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND   
CONNOR WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXR TO ME 

Condom: I just put my arm around him really awkwardly and stared at her and just hoped she got the hint 

Wow: did she?

Bottom: she did 

Scallywag: did he pass out again??

Condom: no but he made a noise that I can only describe as   
UUuuUuUuuhhHhhHh

Nut scientist: okay, same?

Salted: hold up your mom isn’t homophobic or anything right?

Bottom: nah she just said I would have to tell her about it later and then closed the door

Nut scientist: There’s a fuckin,, bord outside my window 

Salted: ah yes my favorite animal the bord 

Wow changed nut scientists name to bord

Bord: it’s making the bird sounds and I can’t handle it 

Jard: wow that’s really weird 

Scooter: are you high 

Bord: yuhuh 

Jard: what kind of bird noises is it making

Bottom: jared, 

Bord: like   
ER   
ER ERH

Scallywag: Omfg 

Bord: I tried to find the bird and a man fell from my tree???

Bord sent a photo

Wow: JARED NO

Fern: WHY WERE YOU IN MICHAELS TREE

Jard: I wanted to see if I could trick him   
I was bord 

Scooter: I find that incredibly amusing

Condom: I actually hate you wow

Jard: yeah who doesn’t 

Bord: gUYS I HAD AN IDEA

Salted: oh god not again

Bord: what if you came cheese 

Scallywag: does that mean u couldn’t suck dick if ur lactose intolerant?? 

Bottom: Zoe why

Condom: no u just couldn’t swallow

Fern: this is getting worse and worse 

Wow: spitters are quitters   
I can’t believe I just typed that with my own fingers

Jard: it would just make handjobs more fun tho

Scooter: the only thing that came to my head when you said that is “squeeze that cheese”

Salted: LMAO   
I read that in a game show host voice in my head 

Bord: now its time foOoOr~  
SQUEEZE!  
THAT!  
CHEESE!

Bottom: I cannot function correctly right now


	17. Rich stole a mannequin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like,, 40% sure that I adready posted this one but fuck you im posting it again

Condom: I just saw ms g at Walmart and we just kinda made eye contact and then she shuffled away

Scallywag: hah

Bottom: oh gosh 

Wow: she’s probably afraid of you 

Scooter: I would be too tbh no offense 

Jard: anyone would be after...  
The Printcident 

Bord: I just choked on a dorito 

Salted: I read that as “I just choked on a dick” and I was like... no you did not?

Wow: I went to Starbucks and my name on the cup was spelled “cristene”

Scooter: guys does anybody have lots of free space I can use 

Salted: oh god how much 

Scooter: like,, enough for a person to fit in 

Bord: I’m not letting you hide under my bed again 

Jard: not even gonna ask 

Fern: just tell us what you’re hiding?

Scooter: it’s not for me just roughly the same size as me 

Wow: Rich please just tell us what you’re hiding 

Scooter: FINE   
I STOLE A MANNEQUIN 

Bottom: you stole a what 

Scooter: okay maybe it didn’t count as stealing? It was from the abandoned sears  
Nobody has worked there in 2 years   
But I still need somewhere to put it

Condom: i have like,, so much storage space   
You gotta give me something in exchange tho, I’m an asshole 

Bottom: Connor,

Jard: I mean tRUE 

Scooter: hmm just a sec   
I have a bucket with 42 tiny plastic dinosaurs of different varieties 

Fern: how did you know how many there were 

Scooter: there’s a label on the bucket 

Condom: I’ll fucking take it 

Bottom: I hope you know I’m taking some of ur dinos 

Condom: you can take as many of my dinos as you want 

Jard: that sounds very sexual 

Fern: oml jared everything sounds sexual to you


	18. Idk what to even call this one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is upset about how much it would cost to make a kool aid pool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I actually research this? Oh yes I fucking did 
> 
> Also; Jared is not hiding weed brownies from his mom. He just isn’t allowed to have fucking baked goods. But Jared doesn’t care.

Jard: dude I just accidentally ate perfume 

Bottom: I have   
Several questions 

Jard: one question per person I have things to do

Condom: no you don’t 

Jard: fuck you you don’t know my life

Bottom: how did you consume perfume on accident?

Wow: hah that rhymes 

Jard: I was tryna spray it in my room so my room doesn’t smell like baked goods (I am not allowed to have any baked goods) and it was facing the wrong way and it just was in my mouth at some point 

Salted: how did it taste

Jard: really bitter, low key salty  
Just a hint of berry 

Fern: wouldn’t that count as drinking tho?

Jard: nah cause I sprayed it

Scallywag: I guess.?

Condom: I was just thinking about it and like... aren’t kinks weird 

Jard: that’s kinda the point 

Bottom: are we really having this discussion right now

Bord: more and more of them are being considered normal   
Like today it might be normal to call someone daddy but in 100 years ittl just be like “I like to sit on dogs and make them scream in pain”

Wow: miCHAEL NO

Scooter: lets all just agree to ignore what Michael just said 

Bottom: gladly 

Jard: guys I have an announcement 

Salted: Christ okay 

Jard: I found a hover board on Craigslist and I am buying it currently 

Condom: Jared we have fucking school tomorrow 

Scallywag: oh yeah like u care about school

Condom: shut yourself the fuck up 

Fern: how do u manage to say the exact same phrase differently every time 

Condom: it’s one of my many hidden talents 

Scooter: can u list some others

Condom: you’ll never find out 

Jard: Evan answer your fucking door 

Bottom: why the hecky hoo are you outside of my house on a hoverboard 

Jard: because 

Wow: how are you managing to type while on a hoverboard 

Jard: I have my ways 

Bottom: he’s almost fallen off several times 

Scallywag: does anybody have some free time and lots of koolaid packets 

Condom: does this have anything to do with the fact that I just heard you slamming cabinet doors and yelling “OH YEAH” in the koolaid man voice

Scallywag: it does actually  
I want to fill the hot tub up with koolaid and see what happens

Jard: I’m gonna hover my way over to the dollar store so we can find out, fam 

Condom: guys guys wait   
I think I just figured out how much it would cost 

Wow: do tell

Condom: our pool is sorta small, so it would only need about 5310 gallons, give or take 

Salted: holy fuck okay

Condom: the biggest containers at the Walmart closest to our house are about 8 dollars, they make 34 quarts, 8 and a half gallons   
So...  
We would need $2592

Scallywag: so no kool aid pool?

Fern: no kool aid pool 

Jard: Wait Connor I thought you didn’t know how to do math

Condom: oh trust me, I’m still hot garbage when it comes to math (and most other things)  
It’s called a calculator 

Bottom: gonna be honest here, I was kinda excited for a kool aid pool 

Bord: so was I, buddy :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unrelated, but I’m starting a new story soon
> 
> I know a lot of you won’t fuckin care because it’s gonna have actual plot (ew who wants that)
> 
> I just felt like saying it I guess


	19. Jiffy and Weedy: the infamous duo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter Pan was playing in the background while I write this lmao enjoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEET sorry I haven’t uploaded this in forever but it isn’t over!! It won’t be for a long while lmao

Bord: rainbow

Bottom: uh what? 

Bord: wrong person 

Salted: care to explain?

Bord: no I do not 

Scallywag: Connor got into an argument with our parents and stormed out then when mom asked where he was going he yelled “OFF TO FUCKIN NEVERLAND” 

Wow: Connor turns into Wendy darling when he’s mad 

Scooter changed masochists name to weedy

Scooter: that was autocorrect but tbh I think it’s better

Jard: since when is Evans house neverland 

Weedy: since always fuck you 

Fern: does that mean Evan can be Peter Pan 

Bottom: I know that we aren’t talking about peanut butter but the peter pan peanut butter is the stuff of nightmares 

Salted: it’s just peanut butter??

Bottom: it makes me sick every time I eat it 

Weedy: is that why when I asked why you weren’t at school in May you just answered “peanut butter :(“

Jard changed bottoms name to jiffy

Fern: aww it kinda matches  
Jiffy and weedy  
Can I call you two jeedy 

Jiffy: I think I speak for both of us when I say no 

Fern: also can we talk about how the first step to helping someone who’s choking is to ask “are you choking” 

Weedy: I read that wrong and I thought you were learning how to choke someone 

Bord: imagine if you were finna die and the last thing you heard was some dumbass asking “ARE YOU CHOKING” as they choke you

Jard: you’ve said the word choke/ choking too many times in the past few minutes for me to be comfortable 

Scooter: someone’s car alarm is going off and it sounds like a really fucking loud bird  
Just constantly  
caw caw caw CAW CAW

Wow: I hope there’s not a bird in the car 

Scallywag: somehow I doubt it 

Fern: maybe it’s a dog that sounds a lot like a bird; you never know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My phone didn’t actually autocorrect it to weedys it just reminded me of that photoshopped Wendy’s logo that said 
> 
> Weedys: old fashioned hurgusburgus (google it please it’s beautiful)


	20. Hulk daddy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t posted in so long I almost forgot how to write this bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took a break from this so long, I was writing something slightly more serious, but then I remembered that nobody fuckin cares about that one besides me lmao

Scooter: Zoe just threw a desk wha t 

Jiffy: why.?

Scallywag: bc I have the power of god and anime on my side

Weedy: something tells me that’s not fucking why 

Scallywag: sometimes you just gotta

Scooter: Zoe since when are you Thor you strong fucker that was a whole desk

Fern: tbh more like hulk 

Scallywag: no I like Thor better   
Cause Thor is like “HAH YES KNEEL BEFORE ME I AM A GOD OF THE THUNDER”  
And hulk is like... just some big green fuckin nerd

Jard: no fuck you  
Hulk is my daddy 

Wow: JARED WHY

Bord changed scallywags name to hulk daddy

Hulk daddy: someone pls change the subject I hate this

Weedy: I just made a child cry 

Jiffy: I leave you alone for two hours

Salted: 1. Where 2. How 3. Why

Weedy: I skipped so there’s the where  
Not telling you fuckers my location 

Wow: okay rude 

Weedy: I told him I would eat his parents so that’s how 

Scooter: so again let it be asked   
Why 

Weedy: He was being obnoxious okay that’s all I’m gonna say about it 

Bord: I’ve learned a lot about you today

Weedy: ~the more you know~

Fern: ding dong sing song you are gong  
Sorry wrong person 

Jiffy: what kind of conversations are you having 

Fern: I’m not going to answer any questions about such   
I’m not going to jail 

Wow: Alana are you okay??

Hulk daddy: have you done a drug 

Fern: guys guys chill   
I haven’t slept in 3 days but that’s okay no worries my amigos 

Jard changed ferns nickname to amigo 

Salted: I’m not one to talk but   
Get some fucking SLEEP

Amigo: shush all is well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to FandomisOhana for “hulk daddy” because only Zoe and Dwayne the rock Johnson could hold such a powerful title


	21. Asscracker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the Fourth of July and also my chalk wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a day late but I was listening to Fourth of July by fall out boy on loop okay sue me

Wow: happy Fourth of July everyone!!

Jard: I’m gonna shove a firecracker up my ass

Scooter: I’m not worried because you said it I’m worried because you might do it 

Bord: I immediately thought; Asscracker

Salted changes Jard’s name to asscracker 

Weedy: I think it’s time for me to move to Canada

Hulk daddy: no u have to be nice to be Canadian 

Jiffy: dont be mean to ur brother

Weedy: nah she’s right

Asscracker: guys do you wanna hear a poem I wrote 

Amigo: no one wants that

Wow: no offense but that sounds kinda scary 

Asscracker: nah it’s good 

Jiffy: don’t listen to him

Bord: I’m interested 

Salted: Michael no stop 

Asscracker: roses are red  
I am not tall  
I will have one McNugget   
And that will be all

Scooter: bravo tbh 

Jiffy: that just reminded me of the time Jared brought me to McDonald’s before school and ordered a McMuffin WITH NUGGETS ON IT 

Weedy: I hate agreeing with Jared but that kind of sounds delicious 

Hulk daddy: I want to vomit just thinking about it 

Bord: bold words for someone who’s name is hulk daddy 

Amigo: to be fair she didn’t name herself 

Salted: oh no 

Wow: knowing Jeremy and the history of this chat I know this will not be good

Salted: I can hear Michael’s parents in the driveway 

Scooter: and...?

Asscracker: it’s the wall isn’t it 

Bord: haha yup 

Jiffy: explain

Salted: while Michael’s parentals were at work jared and I helped paint his wall with chalkboard paint and then drew all over it 

Asscracker: and it’s the same color as the rest of the walls so it just looks like we drew all over his fuckin wall

Weedy: you drew dicks didn’t you 

Bord: you can’t prove anything 

Hulk daddy: that just reminded me of the “put those corndogs back” vine 

Amigo: Michael what color are your walls asking for a friend 

Bord: kinda reddish 

Amigo: “wlehwafshshwss you spilt- DICKS on my RED WALL”- Michael’s mom 

Weedy: my mom actually had a Valentino white bag once

Hulk daddy: plot twist was SHE spilt liquid eyeliner in it  
Which is weird bc she doesn’t wear eyeliner??

Weedy: nah that was all my fault  
I’ve rocked some guyliner before 

Asscracker: who hasn’t 

Salted: I haven’t??

Scooter: pretty sure you’re the only one my dude 

Bord: confirmed

Wow: nah I don’t think Evan would 

Amigo: no he has

Jiffy: stop spilling my secrets I trusted you 

Amigo: sorry bud   
He couldn’t figure out how to get it off he texted me bc he knew Zoe would tell Connor 

Jiffy: well he knows anyway now doesn’t he 

Bord: FUCK IM GROUNDED LMAO 

Weedy: why weren’t you just like “hey bitch guess what it wipes off” 

Salted: she just didn’t want him to paint he wall 

Asscracker: busted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of that poem in the middle of the night be proud of me


	22. Squad bracelets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penis, short for Joshua

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had to check and make sure archive hadn’t glitched I don’t feel like this is a 22nd chapter woaw

Asscracker: what’s wrong with Evan he’s been making beaded bracelets for hours 

Jiffy: it’s a coping mechanism 

Wow: for.?

Jiffy: Connor is missingggggg

Bord: do you have to spend every moment with that boy omg you don’t need to get so sad that you start beading 

Scooter: you are not one to talk my man

Jiffy: no I’m not THAT sad  
I’m just real real bored   
Nobody else likes me 

salted: f a l s e   
I will go over there and HUG YOU AGGRESSIVELY

Jiffy: please do not I am happy with watching netflix and making bracelets 

Amigo: what are you watching?

Jiffy: I was about to watch the 3rd season of ahs but I felt like it would be treason since me and Connor have been binging it together   
So I’m watching a show called crazy ex girlfriend, it’s a musical 

Asscracker: you watching American horror story? YOU?? 

Amigo: probably also helps that he was watching it WITH his boyfriend 

Bord: hey Evan my buddy chum friend amigo homie home slice bread slice pal  
Can you make me a bracelet I’ll treasure it forever

Jiffy: I’ve already made everyone a bracelet 

Wow: SQUAD BRACELETS 

Asscracker: what color is my bracelet it’s vital info

Jiffy: rainbow 

Salted: hombre 

Scooter: ??????

Salted: *omg   
What the fuck 

Amigo changed salted’s name to hombre 

Amigo: also rich I have a TOP SECRET VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION 

Scooter: I have a top secret very important answer 

Amigo: is your full name Richard?

Scooter: uh,, yeah?

Amigo: HELL YES 

Amigo changed scooters name to dick 

Bord: I WAS WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO NOTICE   
FOR MONTHS 

Dick: tbh I’m totally cool with this nickname 

Jiffy: still don’t get how dick is short for Richard 

Asscracker: that would be like if somebody asked your name and you were like “ahaha it’s penis, short for Joshua”

Salted: I’m applying for a job at Starbucks just so I can misspell a Joshua’s name penis   
There’s one hiring downtown not even joking it’s happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 430am and where I live and if you’re somewhere even CLOSE then I’m sorry
> 
> ~Btw~  
> This is coming out kinda slow cause I’m like... I dunno why. Just not feelin it as much. Anyways. Don’t worry about me ending it tho. This is the only story that anyone likes and tbh this is my favorite thing I’ve written. It feels nice for Internet people who don’t even know me to tell me I’m funny, cause like.. I can’t see you. Y’all can be MEAN if you wanna. But ya don’t. So thanks.


	23. The shit hits the fam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything starts to go downhill. You know I had to do it to em.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes the title is misspelled on purpose

Hulk daddy: guys there’s an emergency

Asscracker: somebody call life alert 

Bord: help! *dab* I’ve fallen, *whip* and I can’t get up! *performs entire choreography of you can’t stop the beat from hairspray*

Jiffy: why are you doing this

Hulk daddy: I’m serious listen 

Dick: I’m listening to the whole newsies soundtrack now nobody can stop me 

Wow: I didn’t k ow any of you liked theatre? AT ALL??

Hulk daddy: LISTEN FUCKERS 

Hombre: you’re making me want to listen less 

Jake: that’s cause ur a ho

Amigo: who added you??? WHAT THE FUCK

Dick: oh yeah I added him in the middle of the night 

Hulk daddy: CONNOR GOT FUCKING ARRESTED YOU IGNORINT DIPSHITS 

Asscracker: I know this a very serious matter, but... *ignorant

Jiffy: fucking EXCUSE ME??

Jake: I just got here and everything has already gone so far downhill 

Wow: WOW ONAY UH HOW 

Hulk daddy: so we went to visit our grandma in Georgia, right?  
And we drove there  
But on the way back out parents decided to waste money on a plane ticket and fly us back   
But Connor didn’t know we were doing that and had WEED IN HIS BAG AT THE AIRPORT 

Jiffy: oh   
My god   
Oh my god this is so fucking   
Oh jesus fucking Christ   
Is he getting bailed OUT???

Asscracker: I hope they didn’t check his phone cause like   
His name on here is still weedy lmao

Amigo: THATS what you’re worried about?

Hulk daddy: before they bail him out dad is trying to lawyer his way outta there and convince them it was planted in his bag by our cousins 

Dick: I’m guessing it wasn’t 

Bord: you’re very observant I can tell

Asscracker: I’m pretty sure Evans unconscious   
He does this thing where if enough shit happens at once he’ll just shit down  
Hah   
Shut down he will not shit 

Wow: I’m going to check on him I don’t trust any of you   
Especially Jared 

Jake: nobody seemed surprised by the fact that Connor is actually literally in jail right now 

Hombre: it happens sometimes

Amigo: tbh I’m sorta indifferent like not bc I don’t care but bc I’m just not feeling any emotion currently 

Wow: we’ll worry about that in a minute I think Evans dead   
There’s just a bowl of noodles left on the floor and he is nowhere to be seen 

Asscracker: check the closet

Wow: nope.   
Nvm found him he’s crying silently and violently from under his bed   
Brb gotta use my mom friend instinct and fix this 

Bord: Christine is the hero we ALL need

Hulk daddy: who we NEED is like.. breakout jail- man

Jake: I misread that as mailman 

Hombre changed jakes name to mailman 

Dick: Okay but.. bj man 

Amigo: of course dick would make the blowjob jokes 

Hombre changed wows name to bjman

Bjman: I almost calmed him down and then I THOUGHT he passed out but in reality he actually literally fell asleep on me and the poor guy looks real exhausted so imma leave him   
Plus his boyfriend is kinda dead   
Wait no

Asscracker: everybody knows being dead and being arrested are the same thing

Bord: that sounds like a line from elf idk why

Mailman: have you ever... seen elf..

Bord: fuck you I am an elf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you read this cause it’s just a shitty fun thing and it still is do not fret it will stay that way but I need me some shenanigans


	24. Zoe’s floor adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What am I even doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy’s on the way to a concert bc im going to a concert and I’m way too excited about it (PANIC AT THE DISCO, HELL YEAH)

Hulk daddy: update time 

Bjman: *police car noise*

Mailman: there are many noises that you could be referring to 

Bjman: I FORGOT THE WORD   
The one that goes wwwwWEEEEEEEEEOOOOOooowww

Amigo: sirens?

Bjman: THATS THE ONE  
Anyway Zoe how’s it going 

Hulk daddy: well I told Evan last night bc you fuckers won’t let me speak 

Asscracker: what’s stopping you 

Hulk daddy: blocked  
Anyways, dads lawyering techniques failed and connor is actually literally in jail 

Bord: that would explain it

Hombre: what would explain   
What would it explain  
I’m tired

Bord: I’ve been watching over Evan (less like a caring mother and more like a rooster protecting a human baby)   
he has been listening to a playlist that is only fall out boy and also one arctic monkeys song   
he’s functioning perfectly except he just won’t turn the music off 

Jiffy: hey don’t call me out like that man 

Dick: who’s that man   
Oh 

Mailman: you dumbass 

Dick: stop being mean you’re supposed to love me 

Asscracker: my postmate just jUDGED ME

Hombre: oh no I wonder why

Asscracker: I ordered 5 packages of zoo pals paper plates and the postmate gave me the stank eye 

Bord: wtf are zoo plates 

Asscracker: they are ZOO PALS PAPER PLATES, excuse you 

Bjman: they’re just plates with animal faces on them 

Asscracker: damn straight 

Hulk daddy: on an unrelated note I desperately need some help

Amigo: I’m busy sorryyyyyy

Jiffy: I can help 

Bord: you aren’t allowed to leave 

Dick: I’m bored anyway wassup 

Hulk daddy: I feel through the floor. Or the ceiling? Not sure. Point is my legs are in a different room than my head

Dick: that sounds like a job for more than just a midget someone else should also help

Hombre: well fuck I’m kinda on the other side of the state rn 

Bjman: SINCE FUCKING WHEN 

Hombre: I bough last minute concert tickets and zoomed away   
Sorry Zoe 

Mailman: I’ll help 

Dick: have you finally stopped being a grumpy bitch?

Asscracker: Rich that’s no way to speak to your betrothed 

Amigo: who says that??

Hunk daddy: do you even know where my house is 

Dick: not even a little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connors getting out of jail soon don’t fret


	25. Well isn’t today just full of surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mean what do I even put here at this point come on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drink more water everybody

Asstown: everybody describe yourself with only 50 shades quotes, go

Amigo: "Her eyes are brown, like bourbon, but flat."

Jiffy: "I have become my own island state. A ravaged, war-torn land where nothing grows and the horizons are bleak."  
That’s a lil dramatic but I mean i would rather not talk about myself so sexually 

Amigo: you sure thats fifty shades and not like... divergent 

Dick: "We don't have long, Anastasia, and the way I'm feeling right this moment, we won't need long."

Mailman: how accurate 

Dick: I was trying to make a JOKE 

Bord: "A small moan escapes my mouth as my insides melt and unfurl."

Hulk daddy: I CANT STOP LAUGHING 

Asscracker: "Franco is small, dark, and gay. I love him. 'Such beautiful hair!' he gushes with an outrageous, probably fake Italian accent."

Bjman: thats my favorite so far gotta say 

Jiffy: can I redo mine? Just found a new one 

Asstown: no takey backsies 

Hombre: no go ahead we need more 

Jiffy: "My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale."

Hombre: "He laughs and then is distracted by his BlackBerry, which must be on vibrate because it doesn't ring."

Mailman: “That's impressive. You a girl scout?”

Hulk daddy: hate to interrupt 

Asstown: then don’t 

Hulk daddy: I must relay a message 

Bord: only if it’s in shades of gray quotes will we except it 

Hulk daddy: fucking fine hold on   
“How is he out of jail?”

Bjman: what?  
OH

jiffy: IM ON MY WAY 

Hulk daddy: do not   
He’s grounded from his phone and laptop and from leaving the house   
That doesn’t really stop him but we have security cams now so I mean maybe don’t 

Asstown: I don’t think I’m ready to have him backanyway 

Bord: if you dont shut your mouth imma pull a slinky on you 

Mailman: pull a slinky? That sounds sexual 

Hombre: it’s when you push someone down stairs and it’s funny but not funny enough to make you laugh  
Michael has explained it to me 

Bjman: I’m glad that Connors no longer imprisoned but will all of you stop texting to frequently   
I’m trying to watch snoop doggs game show 

Amigo: well isn’t today just full of surprises

Hulk daddy: my parents just noticed the broken floor


	26. Wee snaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m actually so excited for y’all to read this one I made myself laugh a lot in this chap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wee snaw

Weedy: des   
pa   
CITO

Jiffy: CANOE   
IM LITERALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW I DONT EVEN CARE THAT MY PHONE THINKS YOUR NAME IS CANOE 

Bord: !!!!

Asscracker changed weedys name to canoe 

Bjman: welcome back :D

Hombre: tell me your jail stories immediately 

Weedy: tbh there weren’t many but I did meet a guy named jojo he was a dj and he stole drones 

Jiffy: so are you ungrounded now??? Dear god please say your ungrounded 

Canoe: I’m not I just got my phone back through bribery

Jiffy: DAMN IT 

Mailman: haha bet you guys were finna smash

Jiffy: I’m not even gonna deny it that’s one of the first things I had in mind 

Hulk daddy: I used to think Evan was this pure being that can do no wrong and how he’s like “wow can’t wait till my boyfriend is outta jail so we can fuck”

Asstown: I’ve known all along 

Bord: will we be able to see you at school? I’ve missed my weed buddy 

Canoe: my parents can’t stop me from goin to fuckin school just cause I was arrested 

Amigo: I have a solution:  
fuck at school 

Jiffy: how do you think that would work out

Hombre: use the fuckstall 

Bjman: scuse me 

Dick: it’s that bathroom where nobody ever goes cause it’s at the end of the hall   
If you go in all the stalls have fuck written on them in sharpie  
The fuckstalls 

Weedy: as tempting as it is no thanks 

Asstown: HEY QUICK QUESTION WHO KNOWS HOW TO DELETE AN INSTAGRAM STORY 

Hulk daddy: wait why   
WHAT THE FUCK 

Amigo: I don’t have Instagram what did he do 

Bord: JARED WHY DID YOU POST A PICTURE OF YOUR DICK WITH THE CAPTION WEE SNAW 

Asstown: THAT WAS MEANT TO BE PRIVATE WAIT NO WHY

Jiffy: ...why would u do that

Asstown: ACCIDENTAL 

Hombre: I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD AND HEN REALIZED THAT MY LAUGH SORTA RESEMBLES THE PHRASE “WEE SNAW” AND NOW IM LAUGHING EVEN HARDER JARED WHAT THE FUCK 

Asstown: ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN PLEASE

Weedy: yeah please fucking do  
I’m never getting that out of my head I’m gonna barf 

Asstown: so this lingerie company wouldn’t stop dming me so I’ve been sending increasingly weird and inappropriate pics in hopes they’ll stop

Bord: may I ask how that escalated to wee snaw 

Amigo: you can snaw my wee 

Mailman: wEE MY SNAW 

Hombre: I just laughed so fucking hard I almost passed out I had to use an inhaler 

Bjman: jared just a heads up it’s being spread around the whole school   
Did you realize that Jenna Roland has your insta 

Weedy: at least no one will talk about me going to jail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snaw wee


	27. I’m gonna commit seesaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna say shit gets real but honestly when the fuck does any of this ever get real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I shock myself at how weird my brain is while I write these

Asstown: happy Halloween motherfuckers, imma put my DICK in a pumpkin 

Weedy: actually no you’re going to put your dick on he internet from what I’ve heard 

Dick changed asstowns name to weesnaw

Weesnaw: that’s in the past and I’ve grown from that experience 

Jiffy: it was last WEEK

Weesnaw: CAN I NOT PUT MY PAST BEHIND ME DAMN 

Amigo: IT WAS 7 DAYS AGO YOU WET FUCKING SOCK   
sorry 

Mailman: I’m going to start calling people that 

Bord: imagine if you were having sex and the other person was like mm yeah wet my socks 

Bjman changed bords name to sock 

Hombre: change of subject what’s everybody being for Halloween 

Jiffy: im not dressing up no fucking way nuh uh 

Hombre: fine, pussy  
I’m being a kangaroo 

Hulk daddy: I bought a sexy nurse outfit just so I can tell at people “IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH MESOTHELIOMA-“

Sock: a sound choice indeed  
I couldn’t think of anything so I’m just gonna tape shit to a sweater and when people ask imma just be like “beans”

Canoe: ..why 

Sock: oh do you have anything better shitface 

Canoe: actually yes  
I’m being a girl from a L’Oréal commercial  
Because I’m worth it 

Mailman: you guys are getting too obscure   
Imma just be a cowboy 

Weesnaw: I’m going to ignore all of the sexual puns I could make at that and tell you all my genius plan   
Hear me out y’all   
Bendyboy cumpenpartch

Amigo: do you mean benedict cumberbatch?

Weesnaw: that’s the bitch 

Weesnaw changed amigos name to bendyboy 

Dick: I’m being vegan 

Jiffy: explain?

Dick: no you’ll find out 

Bendyboy: I don’t have one someone help 

Sock: OO OO PICK ME I GOT ONE 

Bendyboy: okay 

Sock: BRAD PITT 

Bendyboy: I don’t know how you expect me to pull that off but you know what sure

Bjman: I’m being a newsie and I shall not be stopped 

Canoe: no one was trying to stop you   
Also I have some bad news 

Hulk daddy: please tell me you didn’t do meth 

Canoe: no that was one time 

Jiffy: EX FUCKING SCUSE ME 

Weesnaw: did you just give up on the no swearing thing 

Hombre: he’s dating Connor Murphy what do you expect 

Canoe: someone laced my weed with meth once in freshman year it wasn’t fun but you’re all missing the point 

Sock: actually I feel like it’s pretty important that you never told any of us this

Canoe: I also took acid last year there’s another one can you LET ME FUCKING SPEAK 

Jiffy: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME 

Dick: what acid isn’t even that dangerous I’ve done acid 

Weesnaw: Same here 

Jiffy left the chat 

Canoe: welp   
Point is: new girl asked for my gender, I didn’t hear her correctly, thought she asked how I was, answered her “fucking terrible”

Mailman: dude that story is really underwhelming for all the drug confessions we had to get through just for you to tel it 

Canoe: uh yeah speaking of that 

Bjman: please tell me you aren’t going to admit to any more drug usage 

Canoe: actually no Evan just broke up with me 

Weesnaw: WAIT REALLY FUCK DUDE NO 

Canoe: I’m gonna commit suite side   
Diocese   
Seesaw   
S U I C I D E   
you get the point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not gonna put any more characters in here but can I just tell all of you how much I love falsettos


	28. The bad ol days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shits happening because even though this is a total joke I get bored if nothing happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Key:   
> Evan: small cactus (I’m such a terrible person I typed small and my phone thought I meant anal)  
> Connor: canoe   
> Zoe: hulk daddy  
> Alana: amigo   
> Jared: weesnaw  
> Michael: sock  
> Jeremy: hombre  
> Christine: bjman (I’m so sorry Christine I love you)  
> Rich: dick  
> Jake: mailman

Ch 28

Weesnaw: we’ve had you in here long enough I wanna talk to Evan 

Canoe: if legit anybody else would’ve asked I’d leave but actually no fuck you 

Bjman: please 

Canoe: aight

Canoe left the chat 

Sock added Evan 

Evan: not in the mood for shenanigans so if you’re gonna add me you’re gonna shut the fuck up for a hot minute so I can explain 

Hombre: okay damn   
Can I at least give you a nickname   
H  
Evan: Christine is allowed to pick my nickname she’s the only one I trust for this

Bjman changed Evans name to small cactus 

Amigo: wtf that is so adorable   
Sorry Evan explain 

Small cactus: so I said that but I’m not sure what you really want me to explain 

Weesnaw: q&a?

Dick: hey so uhhh  
Why did ya break up with Connor 

Small cactus: I was already all fucked about how he smoked weed and then I found out about all the other drugs he did and I’m really sad 

Mailman: not angry?

Small cactus: just real sad 

Hulk daddy: but you still love him right??

Evan: well fucking of course but now it’s too late I dun goofed it all up

Sock: sorry but I just thought of goofy

Weesnaw: whake mey hyup (wake mey up inswide)  
Cyant wake hyup  
SAUCE ME   
Autocorrect doesn’t like my goofy accent 

Weesnaw changed weesnaws name to saucey

Amigo: fucking clamp it jared   
So Evan wdym just ask him to go out with you again we all know he’s finna 

Small cactus: that’s not the kind of thing you do over the phone   
And I can’t drive 

Mailman: first of all bullshit   
Second I’ll drive you 

Amigo: I would also drive you 

Sock: Same here

Christine: I can drive you 

Weesnaw: Uber

Small cactus: BUT WHAT DO I DO THO I WAS USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY

Hulk daddy: I feel like just about anything would work at this point he’s listening to owl city that’s a whole new level of shame 

Weesnaw: I’ll write you a speech if I gotta damn 

Small cactus: don’t 

Weesnaw: too late   
“Dear Connor, I’m sorry I’m being such a pissbaby because I’m afraid of drugs. That’ll probably keep me alive longer in the long run, but I mean damn. After literally 2 days I’ve already rethought my life decisions and want to go back to annoying everyone around us constantly and sucking face in public way too much. I’m gonna pop a Xanax and see you when I wake up. - sincerely, Evan”

Amigo: well maybe not that but something along those lines 

Hombre: in a lighter note I just remembered when I was little and I thought every time you had sex the vagina would whittle your dick smaller 

Sock: well it’s a good thing you do anal then huh 

Hombre: in my child mind the same thing would’ve probably still applied I just didn’t know about anal 

Bjman: ah the good ol days 

Dick: but I like anal

Mailman: the bad ol days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wee snaw   
> Wee snaw  
> Snaw wee  
> Wee snaw


End file.
